Navy jokes

Military Jokes

True story- Also in 1998 SFAS. We had a land nav course in the day. Everyone was given a cem light. When you got to your first point you were to attach the cem light to the stake and light it for our night land nav course later on. It was the first day of land nav so it was really just orienting us. Well, I wasn't paying attention to what the points looked like I just heard him say they were painted with white stripes. Then on top of that, I held my protractor wrong when plotting. The sleep deprivation was getting to me and I plotted all my points wrong. So for 3 hrs I'm not finding anything finally I come across a tree with a large white stripe painted on it and it had a dog tag with a number nailed to it. So I said finally this must be it. I wrote down the number lit the cem light and then found the finish point. When I turned in my paper he said I don't know what this number is go to remedial training. Well, I fixed my mistakes for the night land nav. The next morning we were sitting around and someone said Man I fell in the creek last night going to a point. The bad thing was it wasn't even my point some A-hole put a cem light on a tree.

- J Legendre

True story- It was 1998 I went to SFAS in Ft Bragg to try out for Green Beret (didn't make it, but tried twice). There's a 25 obstacle course and any mess up on an obstacle you have to repeat it so it was a smoker. At the end 24th obstacle was called the worm pit. It was a rope you swing into a 2ft deep pit of muddy water and you crawl for about 15 ft before your out. Later that day we were sitting around recovering and someone put up their hand and said Be honest guys how many of you drank some of the water in the worm pit. There was a lot of laughter and some raised their hands and said they did. I then raised my hand and said how many of you pissed in it.

- J Legendre

True story- I was a SGT then. We were in the field when another SGT decided to trick my private and told him to go ask SGT MAJ for a box of grid squares for the Land Nav course later. I let him go but was sort of annoyed. My private came back about 30 mins later and told the SGT that SGT MAJ was pissed and wanted to see him right now. He was laughing and left to go find SGT MAJ. I asked my private if he was really mad. He said I never found him. I found the supply SGT and he told me they were F-ing with me. I couldn't stop laughing. Turns out SGT MAJ wasn't around so all good for everyone, and the SGT who got his joke flipped on him laughed about it too.

- J Legendre

A LT walked up to a SGT jumping up and down on top of a manhole saying the number 3 after every jump. The LT yelled What are you doing SGT? Nothing Sir just seeing how high I can jump while on this manhole. The LT shook his head and said Well that's not high at all. Get out the way and let me show you how to do it. The SGT moved and the LT jumped real high in the air. As he did the SGT removed the manhole cover and the LT fell down into it. He then replaced the cover and started jumping again saying 4, 4, 4.

- J Legendre

The c.i.a. Was looking for the best candidate to fill a spot on a field team. So he recruited 4 of the best he could find. An Army ranger, Air Force P.J., Navy seal, and a Recon Marine. He told them “you must find your own way to this beach head for 0600 tomorrow morning, there you will be tested like never before”. The Ranger patrols up, the spook hands him a 9mm and says “see that cabin over there, you wife is in there take the gun and shoot her”. The ranger hands the gun back and says “I love her too much I can’t do that”. The P.J. parachutes in, and is presented with the same task. He walks in the cabin and walks directly back out. “I can’t do it she has been there for me through everything, I love her”. Next the seal swims up to the beach head. And again presented with the same task. The seal goes in the cabin for about 20 minutes. When he comes out he says “I tried talking myself into it but I just couldn’t do it, because I love her too much”. The Recon Marine jumps out of a plane, parachutes into the ocean, disconnecting the chute before hitting the water and fins to the beach. Again he is presented with the same task, without even thinking about it the Marine grabs the gun, runs to the cabin and all you can hear is 6 to 8 shots ring out. Then a pause and a whole bunch of screaming and shrieking. The Recon Marine walks out of the cabin covered in blood. He hands the weapon back to the spook and says “some asshole put blanks in that gun, so I had to use my K-bar”!!!!

- Sgt. Grady

NATO Commander in the desert. asked a group of troops. "if you found a scorpion in your tent. What would you do?" ARMY said "I would throw a boot at it." Marine said" I would pick it up by the tail/stinger & eat it. Air Force said "I would call Room service & ask why is there a tent in my Room?"

- Richard Jones

USMC: Uncle Sam's Misguided Children

- Liviu Negulescu

ARMY: A Recruiter Misled You

- Liviu Negulescu

One day a general came into town. “Everyone obey me!” he yelled. But the towns people all just shrugged. Then the general yelled again “do push ups!”. The towns people just shrugged again. Wait a minute, is everyone married? Then the townspeople’s wives looked out the window. Wink wink.

- Joseph Kreis Jr.

Sgt. Charles came into the bunk and and was so disgusted by the smell of the recruits that he barfed all over his boots. “Get up you sacks of lazy bones” he bellowed. No one moved. He was in the privy!

- Peter OcConnell

U.S.M.C.= United States Mommy's Crybabies

- Frank Gallardo U.S. ARMY

The meaning of U.S.M.C. is: United States Misguided Children

- Frank Gallardo U.S. ARMY

The ARMY said to the marines. Eat the apple and the Hell with the Corp

- Frank Gallardo U.S. ARMY

The True Meaning of the ARMY. Ain't Reject Marine Yet. When do you become a reject marine. When you join the marines

- Frank Gallardo U.S. Army

What 1SGT's live for... One night here in Iraq, a 1LT went to visit the 1SGT for a chat in his living area. The LT entered the room and placed his weapon against the corner. He left about 15-20 minutes later (weapon NOT in hand) The 1SGT patiently waited about 30 minutes to see if the LT would get his ‘defecation in sequence’. Then, the 1SGT proceeded to disassemble the LT’s weapon and distributed the parts among the living areas of the rest of the unit. “Don’t you just love it when a 1SGT Training Plan comes together…

- Richard Martin, Maj Inf (R) USAR


Military Jokes and Humor: Navy vs. Army

Jokes among military members are as old as the military and the branches themselves. Here are some classic Army and Navy jokes that are good G rated humor. This is standard West Point and Annapolis heckling, but the goes well beyond the service academies and reach into the regular Army and Navy, among pilots, special forces, and other units as well. The following jokes you will see typically in the halls of the United States Military Academy and Naval Academy.

Jokes Against Army

An Army football player was almost killed in a tragic horseback riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Thank God the manager of the KMart came out and unplugged it.

A Cadet and a Mid were strolling down the street when the Mid said, “How sad, a dead bird.” The Cadet looked up and said, “Where, where?”

Navy is playing Army, which has a first down with three minutes left in the half. An Army fan sets off a firecracker, and Navy, thinking it's the end of the half, runs off the field. Three plays later, Army punts.

Q: Do you know why the Army football team should change its name to the "Opossums"?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: Why doesn't Army have ice on the sidelines during games?
A: The guy with the recipe graduated.

Q. What do you get when you drive slowly by the Military Academy campus?
A. A degree.

Q: What do a Navy Midshipman and a West Point Cadet have in common?
A: They both got accepted to West Point.

Army Football Team Goes on a Break

The Army coach gave his Army football team a few days off. Several decided to go down to Panama City Beach for fun and relaxation.Coach saw the players the first day back at practice and asked about their vacation.

"Not good coach," said the players. "We never made it to the beach."

"Why not," the coach asked, "car trouble?"

"No," they replied, "every few miles down the interstate we saw signs that said, 'Exit, Clean Restrooms'. You have no idea how many restrooms we cleaned between West Point and Panama City."

Army Football Recruits

Two Army football players were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy. Soon after the test began the first guy turns to the second guy and asks, “Old MacDonald had a what?”

The other replies, “He had a farm.”

The first asks, “How do you spell it?”

To which the second replied, “E-I-E-I-O.”

USNA Grad Walks Into a Bar

The Annapolis grad walked into the bar, sat down and said, "Hey barkeep, you hear the joke about the four West Point players in a farmhouse?" Chairs scraped behind him, and four of the biggest, meanest guys in the bar stood up.

"We played for Army. You sure you wanna tell that joke?"

The Navy grad smirked in disbelief and said, "What, and have to explain it four times?"

More Anti-Army One Liners

Q: How many West Point plebes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, it's a second-year course.

Q: Did you hear that Army just bought twenty new septic tanks?
A: Yeah, and Army coach says as soon as they learn to drive them, they're gonna invade Annapolis.

Q: How many Army Cadets does it take to change a tire?
A: Just one, but he gets four hours credit and it counts as a lab science!

Q: What's the difference between a West Pointer and a catfish?
A: One's a slimy, smelly, scumsucking bottom feeder, and the other is just a fish.

Q: What are the best four years of a West Pointer's life?
A: Third grade.

Q: How come the Army football team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "W's" together.

Q: How many Army Cadets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One -- he just holds onto the bulb and expects the world to revolve around him.

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A old Navy admiral walks into a hotel bar and sits down next to a young, attractive woman.

They hit it off, and she likes a man in uniform, so she says, “Why don’t you come up to my room?”

The admiral says, “I’m flattered but at my age I’m not sure if things would work the way you hope.”

She says, “But you’re in good shape...tell me, when was the last time you had sex?”

U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas. The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts:

“Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "Gringo, we are invading the United States of
America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."

The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter....

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A marine general, an army general, and a navy admiral were discussing who had the toughest men...

The army general says, "Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!"

The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"

The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"

Without hesitating, the private kills the man.

The gener...

Navy pilot Vs Marine pilot

By the time a Navy pilot pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Marine pilot," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. Bu...

What happens when you eat too many Navy beans?

You might end up with a dishonorable discharge.

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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his hea...

Navy Seal and an Apple Watch

A Navy Seal walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "just got this state-of-the-art ...

Each branch has a military ball (Navy Ball, Army Ball, etc.)

And it warms my heart to know that one branch will be having "Space Balls" from here on out.

US Battleship and Canadian Navy

I remembered an old joke I read awhile back. Some details may be off, but figured I had to share:

An American battleship ship is traveling at night around Canada when the radio comes on. It says "Canadian Navy to American Battleship, we have detected that you are on a collision course with us...

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A navy man and a marine are in the latrine, taking a piss (mildly nsfw)

A navy man and a marine are in the latrine, taking a piss. The navy man finishes up and goes over to the sink to wash up. The marine finishes up, zips up, and heads for the door. The navy man pipes up "in the navy, they teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss."

The marine replies "in t...

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A Navy Aircraft carrier and its entourage were traversing out at sea when they get a signal of an approaching mass.

They comm it and express for them to move out of their way they were on a mission of high importance. "Negative sir we cannot accommodate your request" The admiral quite taken aback exclaims that "Its not a request son, this is the United States Navy Aircraft carrier Ronald Reagan flanked by two nav...

George's First day in the Navy

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

Did you know Navy ships run on commercial batteries?

They run on 7 C's

Why does the Swedish Navy put barcodes on the side of their ships?

So they can Scandinavian

My Papa was a World War 2 Navy veteran and he use to boast about how he saved 300+ sailors from dying from an excruciating death

He shot the cook

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Why are the Army, Marines, and Air Force evacuating personnel in Afghanistan and not the Navy?

We don't want to leave any Seamen behind when we pull out.

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be e...

Over 100 Coronavirus cases have been reported on the British Navy's flagship HMS Queen Elizabeth.

Other ships in the fleet have been told to keep their distance as it's a carrier.

You know why Iran's new navy has glass bottom ships...?

So they can see the old Iran navy.

Why is it a bad idea for a woman to be on a navy submarine?

It's full of seamen!

In the French Navy, it's considered unlucky to have the number 5 in a ship's name...

Because all of the ships with that number in their name... cinq

A Navy SEAL, an Army Ranger and a Delta Operator walk into a bar...

...the Delta Operator orders a shot of whisky, the Army Ranger has a beer, and the Navy SEAL writes a book about it.

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A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious.
"How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg."

The bartende...

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In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy...

In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy. During his time there, he was in charge of a covert operation to spy on a Russian military installation which was directly next to a small lake.

He was in charge of a small team of highly trained soldiers, a few locals recruited to help with the op...

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A shipwrecked Scotsman is rescued by a Royal Navy destroyer

...he is taken to the sick bay where a beautiful young nurse is waiting.

"Our Captain wanted me to tell that he is from Aberdeen and wants his countryman to be receive the best of care. How long has it been since you had a drink of Whisky?"

"Five long years my dear." The Scotsman rep...

[Long] This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. It was released by the Canadian Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision

Canadians: Negative. Divert your course 15 degrees to the South

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy sh...

A man gets recruited into the navy...

A man gets recruited into the navy and is getting a tour of the ship by the captain.
The man asked, “What do I do, if I have to relieve some tension, you know?”
So the navy captain takes him to the back of the ship, shows him a barrel, and says, “I’ll go and give you some privacy, you ...

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A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

Why did the necrophiliac join the navy?

So he could enter the marine corps.

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A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once.

Whoops, wrong sub.

So you’ve got a green beret, a Navy Seal, and a sister from Brooklyn

A general is recruiting for a team of his. The general hands each of them a gun and says your spouse is seated next door, in a room, in a chair. In order to pass this test you must go inside and kill them.

Immediately the green beret says ‘No sir, I could never kill my wife. I just can't do i...

A US Air Force drill instructor stood in front of his new recruits.

"Recruit Bains!" He yelled. "Where did you enlist?"

"In California, sir," Bains replied. "There was an Air Force recruiting station next to a Navy recruiting station."

"Then why," the D.I. asked, "Did you choose the Air Force?"

"Because, sir," Bains answered. "What goes up mu...

Why are German Navy soldiers not allowed to think?

Because if zey sink in ze wota, zey will draun.

A young man was sent to serve at the navy

He sees a drawing of a naked woman on the wall and a hole drilled in the necessary spot. He sees a line of sailors infront of the wall, he goes to the captain and asks:

"Captain, can I try?"

The captain responds with: "Ofcourse, go ahead"

The new sailor goes to the l...

I’m going to join the Navy purely out of spite

I’m longing to become a Petty Officer.

Middle hut

A man was stranded on a desert island for 20 years when a navy ship finally spots him. The captain comes ashore and notices three huts. “What are they used for?” the captain asks.

“Well, the hut one on the left is where I live,” says the man. “and the one on the right is where I go to chu...

The Royal Navy had the greatest public image, back in the day...

And why wouldn't they? After all, they impressed every sailor they ever met, and kept 'em in shipshape.

What’s the name of that song?

It goes like “Venice navy dad”

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A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.

He turns on his signal lamp and sends, “Change your course, 10 degrees west.”

The light signals back, “Change yours, 10 degrees east.”

The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, “I’m a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.”

The light signals back, “I’m a Seama...

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NSFW: My first day in the Navy

So shortly after joining the Navy I was posted to a boat that was about to begin a 6 month sail around the world.
Being new to the boat I was given a tour of the boat by an older Sargent.

Near the end of the tour he shows me this giant barrel which has a hole cut in it.

"What is...

The Russians just canceled their undercover Penguin program

they found out we have NAVY Seals

A navy officer on a submarine was doing his rounds and noticed something odd...

There was what looked like a frying pan handle sticking out of the floor of the sub! The officer did some more looking around, and saw more strange things sticking out of the floor: golf clubs, clothes irons, car bumpers, and even half a bicycle!

Alarmed by this, he went up to the sub command...

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A young woman is ready for her first mission in the US Navy.

She sits down across the Lieutenant's desk, ready to be assigned. "You will be serving on the USS Trojan," the Lieutenant says, "A state-of-the-art Submarine erected in 2003, and has never been in the water."

"Never been in the water? Even after 17 years?" She asks, the Lieutenant nods.

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A young sailor (loooong)NSFW

A young sailor who just got married, was sent out to sea shortly after his honeymoon. Having been a virgin when he got married he soon was “frustrated”. The Skipper of the ship frequently walked the passageways talking to his sailors. On once such tour he met the young man. The young sailor when ask...

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An American, a Russian and a Finn drink in a bar.

The American says:

\- Well... American Air Forces are so huge that we can cover all the sky over Finland by our planes. And there will no sunlight, only shade.

They drink. The Russian says:

\- Well, Russian Navy is so huge that we can cover entire the Gulf of Finland by ships...

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A Navy Chief rolls onto base and sees two marines, one is digging a hole and the other marine is filling in a hole behind him.

A Navy Chief rolls onto base and sees two marines, one is digging a hole and the other marine is filling in a hole behind him. He doesn’t think much of it until lunch when he goes for a walk and sees the two still at and a whole line of freshly dug and filled in holes. He walks up to them.


The Navy captain was approached by his lieutenant.

“Captain! There is an enemy ship incoming! They are armed with cannons and a hundred men with muskets and swords!”

“Very well,” said the Captain. “Fetch me my red shirt.”

“Why your red shirt, sir?”

“Because if I am wounded in the fight, the blood will be hidden by the shirt, a...

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A navy recruit is being shown around the ship by the captain

A navy recruit is being shown around the ship by the captain.
Towards the end of the tour the captain takes the new recruit to the very bottom of the ship and shows him a room with nothing but a barrel with a hole in it. The captain tells the new recruit that sex with this barrel will be the bes...

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The Navy decides its time to help its enlisted transition to careers after their experience serving.

They decided to put an Occupational Counselor on every ship, including submarines. The Hephaestus was one of the best submarines in the fleet and their Occupational Counselor was no exception. He was incredible. There was no resume he couldn’t perfect. No college and company he didn’t have contacts ...

I wanted to join the Navy.

But that ship has sailed.

I’ll sea myself out.

TIL about a new Fantastic Beasts book where Newt sets out on a British navy ship to catalogue magic beasts in the South Pacific

It’s called Master and Scamander

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What do you call a dictatorship in the Navy?

A penis potato boat

after 3 weeks of lockdon

I was thinking a bit about Bin Laden. He stayed at home with 3 wives for 5 years. I'm beginning to suspect he called the Navy Seals himself

Norwegian naval ships all have large bar codes painted on their hulls...

So when they return to port a sailor can scan da navy in.

Why do Navy SEALs fall backwards off of their boats?

Because if they fell forwards they'd still be on the boat!

Why does the Norway Navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?

So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian!

Edit: whoops I meant Norwegian Navy

Edit 2: Thanks to commenters I have links to other people who have posted this joke! I haven’t been around very long so I didn’t know, go give them an upvote as well if you’d like!


What grades do you need to join the navy?

7 C’s

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Heard this some 30-years ago in the Navy...

An Air Force General, Marine General, Army General and a Navy Admiral have a bet on which service has the most balls…

The Marine general grunts, “I’ll solve this right now!” calls for a company of Marines, pulls the pin on a grenade and tosses it in the middle shouting, “Grenade!” One...

Dad and Son have a conversation about joining the Navy.

Dad: You wanna join the navy? You can’t even swim!

Son: But then in the Air Force no one can fly either.

You know, I thought about joining the Navy SEALs when I was younger.

Then I heard people were clubbing new ones and I wimped out.

Well endowed navy crew member- nsfw

There once was a man who was in the navy who was very well endowed, but for some reason had a really high pitched voice. One that had the whole crew laughing and making jokes about him. So one day he went to see the doctor. The doctor said his high pitched voice was due to him having such a big memb...

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A Navy Rhyme

A Navy man, a war hero, attends a lunch at a Ladies’ Patriotic Society. Cucumber sandwiches on crustless bread – he endures it manfully. Then the ladies, who have been at the sherry, ask to hear a Navy rhyme. Ladies, he says, I will accede to your request. But in place of each atrocious word, I will...

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Who's the toughest

A group of old men were sitting at the local VFW, downing beers and trading war stories.

They were joined by another old man, who was new to their club, so they took their turns trying to prove who was the toughest.

First the Navy guy stood up: "I was on the USS Indianapolis, when it g...

In the Navy, how do they separate the men from the boys?

With a crowbar

A military function is being held where all officers of the Army, Navy and the Air force are present.

The Army and Navy officers were describing the Air force as the Cinderella of the military.

To this, the Air force officer replied" I don't know a lot about Cinderella except the fact that she had two ugly sisters".

The army and the navy were looking for new recruits, when two boll weevil brothers showed up.

The older brother had worked in Hollywood as the go-to guy whenever an insect was needed in a movie, while the other brother had never amounted to much.

The army recruited the older brother, while the navy recruited the younger brother. That day, the navy won a battle, while the army lost a b...

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In the Navy.

The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name, sailor?"

"John," the new seaman replied.

"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his firs...

A captain in the navy is assigned a new post on a submarine.

As he explores his new vessel, he notices that almost everything is falling apart with varying degrees of rust.

He decides to check the hull, and sees plates of metal with varying dates, some of which seem to come from before world war 2.

He decides to ask someone in his crew if they k...

Navy jet pilot: This is it! We’re flying faster than the speed of sound!

Copilot: What?

I've never understood the Navy's colour being Navy blue.

I though they were the aqua-marines.

What do you call a dog that's in the Navy?

A sub-woofer

not sure if this one's already been made up but it came from my own brain!

The Secretary of Defense directed members of different services to secure a building.

The Navy personnel turned off the lights and locked the door.

The Army personnel occupied the building and ensured no one could enter.

The Marines attacked it, captured it, and set up defenses.

The Air Force secured a two-year lease with an option to buy.

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In the navy

After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Navy fighter pilot finally regained consciousness.

He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, loo...

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First Day in the Navy

It was a young man’s first day on assignment in the Navy, and he was getting toured around the ship, his new home. His supervisor was rattling through his spiel,

“Here’s the bow, here’s the stern, mess hall, sleeping quarters, blah blah blah”,

The young guy says,

“great great,...

A man joined the Navy and was stationed on a sub

A man went to the Navy and was stationed on a sub.

This submarine had a system in which service members were stationed at a certain place.

On the third day of his career, he was moved to a different station for work.

On the fourth day, it happened again.

On the fifth day,...

A German spy infiltrated a British navy ship.

The captain, unknowingly, strikes up a conversation with the chap at dinner:

Captain: "These Germans think they're so smart, but they're no match for the British Navy. Do you actually believe they've sent any spies here?"

Spy: "Uhh, Nein, of course"

Captain: "Nine spies!? Bl...

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Two soldiers are in the bathroom, one Army, one Navy.

After they finish, the Navy soldier goes to wash his hands and looks over to see the Army soldier walking out the door.

Disgusted, he called out “Didn’t they teach you to wash your hands in the Army?”

The Army soldier replied “No, they taught me not to piss on my fingers.”

A man joins the navy...

As he’s being shown around, the commanding officer tells him that from now on he’ll work in laundry. Thirty minutes later the commanding officer came back and took the recruit to the boiler room, telling him he’ll work there. After another thirty minutes the officer comes back and tells the recruit ...

What’s better than a talking dog?

A spelling bee

What’s better than a spelling bee?

A navy seal

My Dad told me this one ( he is ex navy)

What is a Sailors motto?

Never leave your mates behind...

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A big brute of a Navy SEAL dies and goes to heaven...

As he’s standing at the pearly gates, Saint Peter beckons him to come nearer.
St. Peter: What is it exactly that you did back on earth?
Navy SEAL: We’ll I’m a big, badass motherfucker, I have 218 confirmed insurgent kills, blown up strongholds killing hundreds of ISIS leaders. Even taken two b...

Why do North Korean navy boats have glass bottoms

So they can see their Air Force

A new recruit in the Navy was being put through the paces by an experienced captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the recruit replied.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up after?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do th...

My friend is obsessed with Navy destroyers

He warships them.

"So, you're telling me you're in the navy yet you don't know how to swim?"

"Buddy, you're in the air-force. Do you know how to fly?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can't the navy participate in the Space Force?

Gamma radiation kills seamen.

A sailor leaves his wife to join the navy.

He writes to his wife that he is on an island surrounded by beautiful women and while he will try to be faithful, he needs something to distract himself from the war.
His wife writes back but sends a package along with her letter. The letter reads, "here's an accordion. I want you to practic...

A reporter was interviewing members of the Army, Navy and Air Force in Afghanistan...

He asked them what they would do if they woke up and found a camel spider in their tent.

The soldier said "I would leap on it and kill it with my bayonet."

The sailor said "I would crush it to death with one of my sea-boots."

The pilot said "I would call reception and ask them w...

True story ( I hope you see the humour)

Back in the 50’s in Sou’West Nova Scotia the roads were not very good and the fog was always very thick which made driving difficult for even the best drivers.
My father at 17 was in the Canadian Navy, got drunk, got into a fight and landed himself in jail. This was about an hours drive from wher...

A recently-married man is serving in the Navy.

He is on a ship near an island a long way from home, and he knows he will be there a long time. He sends a letter to his wife saying that there are lots of young and beautiful girls on the island. Could she send him something to distract him from them? She sends him an accordion with a note saying "...

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An army ranger, navy seal, and green beret...

...are sitting around a campfire swapping tough guy stories.

The army ranger pipes up by bragging, "One time I had to parachute 4 miles behind enemy lines, take out a platoon of enemy soldiers, and escape with fifty pounds of intel strapped to my back."

Not to be out done by the ranger...

A navy captain is alerted that a pirate ship is coming towards his position

He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt.

The sailor asked, “Why do you need a red shirt?”

The Captain replies, “So that when I bleed, you guys don’t notice and aren’t discouraged.” They fight off the pirates eventually.

The very next day, the Captain is alerted that 50 pirate ...

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A sailor and a marine walk into a bathroom at a bar

They both do their business, the sailor goes to wash his hands -- the marine heads to the door. The sailor sees this and says "You know, in the NAVY they taught us to wash our hands after we use the bathroom". The marine looks back at him and says "Oh yeah? Well, in the marines they taught us not to...

I’m about to lose my job in the Navy unless I make some drastic changes.

I have to take a course in anchor management.

A Navy Seal walks into a bar...

the bartender says, "Hey, why so blue?"

The Navy Seal says "Art art art art!"

Why does Trump dance to "YMCA" and "Macho Man" but not "In The Navy"?

Because he dodged the draft, so he can't relate to it.

Did you guys hear that Old Navy has been using fake wool?

They can't pull the polyester over our eyes anymore!

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My dick is like a Navy SEAL

It gets in and gets out with hardly anyone noticing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ted Cruz left the Navy 9/11 memorial service early...

He only had time to meet a handful of semen.

Army vs. Navy

An Army Colonel and a Navy Commodore dressed in ceremonial attire, are taking a pee in the men's room.

Post finishing their business, the Army guy washes his hands and dries them on a towel.
The Navy guy proceeds to just walk out.

Seeing this, the Army guy can't resist taking a snip...

A Navy man, a Army man and an Airforce man try to figure out who is the best soldier ...

Army man starts: "I once jumped out of an aircraft 30 feet above ground and ran 5 miles to our camp."

Navy man: "That's nothing. I once jumped out of an aircraft 60 feet above the ocean and swam 10 miles to our camp."

Airforce man: "I once flew an aircaft to our camp, landed it safely ...

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A sailor on a Navy ship...

A sailor on a Navy ship had been out to sea for weeks, and was beginning to go through sex withdrawals. Fed up with the lack of sex, he asked one of his shipmates what he did when the pressure was too much to take. 

"Well, there's a barrel with a hole in it near the mop storage. When it gets ...

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This week’s puns and one liners are all on the topic of Navy Jokes… As always, they come with no guarantee of hilarity or originality…

The reason why Swedish naval ships display bar codes on their hulls is so that, when they return to harbour, they can Scandinavian…

“I saw a chap with a big bushy beard earlier.”
“Was it a naval beard?”
“No, it was on his chin like everyone else”.

Saw a game that’s a mix of chess, Connect Four and battleships. It’s called rook, line and sinker.

I heard the navy was going to make a vessel out of rock, but it turned out to be too much of a hardship.

Got a twelve inch sub. Just about enough space for my two navy mice.

Why do navy divers fall backwards out of their boat? If they fell forwards, they would still be in the boat.

My dog joined the navy. Now he’s a sub woofer.

I only joined the navy so I could be pedantic at every opportunity. I’m a petty officer.

Friend of mine has an unhealthy obsession with aircraft carriers. He warships them.

Just found out what exam results you need to join the navy. 7 Cs.

If you like these navy jokes, have a look here for an alphabetical list of joke topics.

And you can have a joke like these delivered on the hour, every hour now by following us on Twitter or liking us on Facebook.



Jokes navy

Navy Jokes

What did the Navy say to the coast guards?
"I'll SEAL you later"

what did the sailor say to the other when they had a problem?
We are in the same boat.

What is long, hard, and full of semen?
A submarine!

Q: What so you call a snail on a ship?
A: a Snailer

Q: What does your Mom and the Bermuda Triangle have in common?
A: They both swallow seamen.

Have you heard about the karate champion who joined the navy?
Well I have. The first time he saluted, he nearly killed himself!

A Navy Commander was upset with his son's report card.
All the subjects e.g shooting, strategy and tactics get terrible grades except Math which has an A.
The Navy Commander said 'Kids these days spent more time dividing than conquering'.

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. 
"I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, 
you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. 
"Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"


A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. 
They were both just getting finished with their shaves, 
when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The admiral shouted, 
"Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The chief turned to his barber and said, 
"Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."


The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, take the simple phrase "secure the building".

The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.


Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"
"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."
"Oh? And what does your father do?"
"He's in the Army, sir."

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring Colonel said,
"You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO who was surprised to meet a crooked, toothless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, with three strands of hair on his head - a particularly unattractive man of less than three foot tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honour's from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar and three DSO's after 12 months of expeditions behind enemy lines.

I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won Gold Medals in the middleweight division boxing, archery gold, wrestling and a 2 golds in the Olympic games. I have researched the history of.............................."

Here the Colonel interrupted,
"Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the
CO can find all that in your file.

Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to "Go fuck herself."

Navy Liason
One day while on leave from the Navy, a lonely man went into a bar.
He was talking to this beautiful woman and asked to take her home with him and she agreed.
During sex they guy looks down at her and asks "How am I doing?" He asks
She looks at him and says "About three knots"
Confused the man asks "What do you mean?"
She says "You're KNOT hard, KNOT pleasuring, and you're KNOT getting your money back."

Joke Generators:


You might have thought the ship had sailed when it comes to funny navy jokes and puns but not so! Here’s a great collection – don’t be petty officer, enjoy them!

Header image for a page of funny navy jokes and puns.

Funny Navy Jokes

Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the side of their boats?

So when they come back to port they can…


When I lost my rifle, the army charged me $85.

That’s why in the navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

I’m going to join the navy purely out of spite.

I’m longing to become a Petty Officer.

Why does the North Korean navy have glass bottom boats?

So they can see their air force.

The navy is beginning to recruit blind men.

They are sending them out to sea.

When I was in the Navy, I was on the deck of a destroyer one day, and I saw a the periscope of an enemy submarine surface nearby.

So, quick as a flash, I whipped off my hat and dropped it over the periscope.

As the periscope was covered, the submarine didn’t realise it had reached the surface, so it kept rising…

And when it got to 10,000 feet, we shot it down with the anti-aircraft guns.

Did you hear about the Latino boy whose father works happily on a military vessel?

He has a feliz navy dad.

My neighbor is obsessed with navy destroyers.

He warships them.

A lot of people assume pirates prefer to be in the navy.

But actually they prefer the arrrrrrrrmy.

What color are military submarines?

Deep navy.

The US Navy will start to equip all their subs with emotional support dogs.

After a lot study, they decided on Dachshunds.

They will be subma-weiners.

Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?

Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.

Why is there no Jedi navy?

Sailing is a path to the dockside.

I tried to pick up the navy’s new mounted laser turret but it weighed more than a ton.

I thought a laser would be light.

A cool job that sounds lame: Building boats for the navy.

You’d be a subcontractor.

Did you know navy bases are known as temples of the sea.

They are a place of warship.

What’s a rubber gasket on an aircraft carrier called?

A navy seal.

Army soldiers can’t comprehend the 6-foot social distancing requirement.

But everyone in the navy can fathom it.

A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.

He turns on his signal lamp and sends, “Change your course, 10 degrees west.”

The light signals back, “Change yours, 10 degrees east.”

The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, “I’m a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.”

The light signals back, “I’m a Seaman First Class. You must change your course, sir.”

Now the captain is mad. He signals, “I’m an aircraft carrier. I’m not changing my course.”

The light signals back a final message: “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.

He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.

He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, “From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.”

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received.

But the old chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the chief to “drop ’em”, which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the chief’s penis and began to work back.

“Dear Lord!”, he suddenly exclaimed, “Where are your testicles?”

The old chief calmly replied, “Vietnam.”

A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California.

The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, “Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?”

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies, “We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s.”

The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter.

When the captain was finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, “Just the four of you?”

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, “No, we’re the last four. The rest are already there!”

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

“What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?”

“Throw out an anchor, sir,” the student replied.

“What would you do if another storm sprang up after?”

“Throw out another anchor, sir.”

“And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?” asked the captain.

“Throw out another anchor, sir.”

“Hold on,” said the captain. “Where are you getting all those anchors from?”

“From the same place you’re getting your storms, sir.”

A navy chief rolls onto base and sees two marines, one is digging a hole and the other marine is filling in a hole behind him. He doesn’t think much of it until lunch when he goes for a walk and sees the two still at and a whole line of freshly dug and filled in holes.

He walks up to them.

Chief: Boys you must have messed up big time for them to have you out here digging holes.

Marine: We didn’t mess up chief, this is just a part of the base beautification project.

Chief: What in the?! How does a line of holes make this base any nicer!

Marine: Yeah, it probably would look nicer if the guy whose job it was to plant the trees didn’t call in sick today.

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed our hilarious jokes and puns about the navy, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these:


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